Top Twenty Unpredictable Moments as a Junior Doctor!

I hope you all are enjoying the pure joy of a Bank Holiday weekend – I know I am! As I sit here on the balcony, digesting last night’s film fest of the Hunger Games 1 – and 2, I started wondering about all the unforseen things that have happened to me in the last 10 months as a junior doctor. Afterall I doubt Catniss Evergreen ever expected her life would take such an odd turn…
So, with that in mind, here are my TOP 20 UNEXPECTED EVENTS of my juior doctor year:
1. Being taught mad yo-yo skills by the 10 year old niece of a patient in the final hour of a 15 hour shift
2. Describing to a Consultant Radiologist what type of fruit, the metal object stuck up a patient’s bum, is most similar to..
3. Relationship counselling between patients and their significant others (Jeremy Kyle eat your heart out)
4. Scrubbing a patient’s (removed) dentures on my ward round and being barked at by the patient that I “missed a bit”
5. Arguing with a vicar about the management of urinary tract infections
6. Having my Otis Redding’s “Dock O The Bay” ringtone awkwardly play loudly in my scrubs pocket, during surgery, for 2 minutes..
7. Turning down a marriage proposal by a 90 year old patient….then being offered her 30 year old granddaughter’s hand instead!
8. Discovering I’d broken a patient’s ribs during a cardiac arrest when I delivered (effective) chest compressions
9. Explaining to the patient that I am not a male nurse despite my ‘apparently’ small, gentile hands!
10. Explaining to the nursing staff that it’s the Nivea for Men moisturiser that keeps me looking younger than my actual years!
11. Having to explain why I have 3 needles in my bag on a bag search at the 02 arena (when I came straight from work for a gig)
12. Listening to HUGE psychotic patient describe how he pleasures a woman, while holding his penis, as I try and catheterise him
13. Nearly explaining to a girl I took out that I had been exposed to a contangious disease at work and she needs prophylaxis!
14. Have projectile faeces lightly speckle my bottom lip during a flatus tube insertion (that’s a tube up the bottom)
15. Having a vet tell me “oh so you can only deal with ONE species, can you” at a party. So I danced with his girlfriend.
16. Discovering razor blades under the bandages of a patient in intensive care that they had hidden there to harm herself.
17. Using my ‘doctor title’ as a chat up line in a pure moment of madness and I hang my head in shame for it every day!
18. Being threatened to “be taken to the papers” by a patient’s relative for not doing what they demanded
19. Having three AMAZING anaesthetic consultants trying to set me up with a waitress on a team night out
20. Having to turn away to from a patient who made me cry – a 90 year old gentleman just been told he had inoperable cancer and his response “Thank you Doctor – well – I’ve had a very good life, survived Bomber Command in the war, had a wonderful family life and so if you don’t mind, I’ll let myself have a lovely weekend with my grandkids before I tell the family.” Utterly Humbling and makes me well-up even now thinking about it. An example of a true gentleman.
I can only imagine what the next twenty will be….
Dr Nick

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